Friday, April 24, 2009

More Stuff Bennington Hates (Part II)

6. Lawn Care - My mother used to say, "Life sucks, then you die." Actually, she still does. I think about lawn care similarly. "You have a nice green lawn, then you die." But, it's much more complicated.

Yeah, I'm a tree hugger. I'm an environmentalist insofar as altering a natural setting with noxious chemicals solely because "it looks green" (not necessarily better) seems idiotic, wasteful, and selfish as fuck. All so your grass can be awarded "yard of the month" in your dumbass neighborhood.

Let me break it down for: chemical on the lawn, rain on the lawn, chemical in the river, chemical in the ocean/sea, chemical in the fish, chemical back in you. Plus, you really shouldn't be rolling on, playing in, or touching a lawn that has been sprayed with such pesticides. And, you really shouldn't allow a pet or child to be anywhere near the grass!

A cost savings idea for someone who loves a green lawn: pay for a round of golf, take along your digital camera, snap as many photos of the fairways and greens as you like, develop your favorite, let's say, 30 photos from the day, and then get out the scotch tape, with photos in hand, and affix them to your windows. Tadah! You now have the opportunity to always, each and everytime you look from your windows while watching re-runs of Quantum Leap, see a green, happy, toxic lawn outside.

And, the next time you eat fish you won't have to worry about neurotoxins. Oh, and, maybe you'll do your part to reduce the nearly 80 million pounds of pesticides used on U.S. lawns each year ( And, you'll be rewarded with eternal life.

For more ideas:

7. Glenn Beck - Put Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and Gary Busey in a blender and remove 97% of the personality and you've got Glenn Beck. You should read this guy's column or watch his show. He's guaranteed to make you gag, or you'll get a dollar off your next case of Coors Light.

And, he's now on Fox News! When are those hacks going to give Ann Coulter her own show? Am I right, Ann?

8. Drafts - You remember rough drafts from your 9th grade English class? They sucked. Now all of my email programs are equipped with a draft section. And, I still hate it. Who's slaved over an email for hours, and saved it as a rough draft, only to months later realize you hit "save as draft," not "send?" I do it weekly.

"What the shit? I could have sworn I sent that hate mail to Glenn Beck."

9. Acne - I guess everybody goes through an awkward acne-riddled stage, but that doesn't make it any easier. While you're going through it you just want it to be over, and then when you grower older and feel you've logged enough time, and are even now wearing scares to prove it, there it comes again to rear its ugly head. Plus, all the synonyms for the word grate on my ears. I don't care to hear the word pimples or zits, much less have them.

10. Top Ten Lists - They always suck. Number seven is always the best, and when you get to number one you feel cheated. The worst part is each time you hear about a top ten list you forget about the years of experience you've had with less-than-stellar lists and instead slide back into this child-like mentality awaiting hilarity only to leave confused and jaded.

1 comment:

  1. i just got another coupon from Chem Lawn, do you want that one too.


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