Friday, April 10, 2009

I don't have a God complex, you have a simple God

Frustrated Ned here. I can't seem to get this typewriter to post comments, or watch the video of two old ladies patting each other down. So, I guess I'm stuck writing an article.

First off, Kirk, don't forget to cup the balls. Second off, why is there such a long Jesus article on Stuff Po. I had time to queue up a Janis Joplin record and pray to the east for God to buy me a new computer, while waiting for that main page to load. Other than the obvious insult of the length of the article, I find the content completely outlandish.

For those of you who don't have office jobs with hours to kill, I took some notes while reading so you won't have to: We may or may not have landed on the moon. Yada yada yada; water's great. Anyone who's ever chugged a glass of water while peeing knows that. Ok, Marilyn, I like what you have to say about how cool the Big Bang and the Earth are. I'm starting to come around here. And by "come around," I mean "dry hump my inflatable globe." My brain's pretty awesome, too; still with you. Maybe it filtered out God as "relatively unimportant," ha, in yer face, still with you though. Really, Confucianism is the fifth major world religion? In yer face, Hindus! (And Animists, if you really want to have this debate.) Uhp, Jesus, there he is. I new he was coming. Hey Jesus, what do you think about Global Warming? You couldn't have given us a little heads up about the biggest threat to the survival of our species since the divine invention of STDs? Not very forward-thinking for a prophet, if you ask me. Oh, sorry Marilyn, not very forward-thinking for the light of the world. And for the record - that someone claims to be the light of the world, does not necessarily make it so - as the crux of your argument seemed to indicate at the point in which I lost interest.

Since then, I've been staring into the mirror wondering if each of my individual cells is actually a planet like the earth - if not the earth itself - wherein I am sitting, staring into this mirror, and trying to figure out my relationship to the rest of the cosmos, which itself exists entirely in the space between my cells, which is to say, everything exists within me. Quark, atom, cell, organism, social population, biosphere, solar system, galaxy, universe, quark. I am God. You can be, too, if you get yourself a mirror and reflect on the space between your cells. Thanks for numbing my mind to the point of epiphany with your Chattanooga drawl, Marilyn.

Anyway, now that Stuff Po has thoroughly exhausted the God topic, I'd like to turn my attention to some real issues that are plaguing society, like baby eating. [Article forthcoming.]

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