Marge’s Conservative Slam Dunk pho duh Week*

“It is bad enough that biographical considerations carry such weight in considerations of nominees for the Supreme Court. But, if biography must be elaborated, let it at least be done ‘in context.’”

This yesterday from Thomas Sowell, who, in a column where he criticizes Sonia Sotomayor for the credit she seems to have been unfairly given for rising to success from a difficult set of circumstances, notes that her ghetto wasn’t nearly as ghetto as what the liberal media has led us to believe. In fact, that ‘hood where she grew up just doesn’t make the cut when it comes to Harlem street cred. Compared to the real projects, Sotomayor’s childhood government housing could be considered “quaint;” it probably wouldn’t even be worthy as a backdrop for one of those rap music videos on the MTV. Hell, it was basically a government-subsidized country club!

“There were standards for getting into the projects of those days and, if you didn't live up to those standards, they put you out. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was quoted as saying, ‘When kids played on the grass, their parent would get a warning.’”

So what’s the three-point message here? (1) It shouldn’t matter that you’re from the projects? (2) But since you are, I guess we ought to point out that the projects you came from weren’t all bad, that they had high standards for lawn care? (3) And it’s all backed up with a quote-‘in context,’ of course-from Kareem Adbul-Jabar. You just can’t argue with that.

This is really priceless. Thanks again for the sweet, sweet irony. I really appreciate how I don’t even have to think to see it. It’s like Irony for Dummies.

*Use of the work ‘week’ not to be construed in any way to indicate that author will provide slam dunks weekly or on any other regular interval; if you want reliable irony please click here

Stuff Bennington Hates Part 1

One of my grade school teachers used to say, "I hate the word hate." I don't.

The following are in no particular order. They're all disliked.

1. Sand - The beach is one of the best places to be. There's no need arguing that point, but when you're done with the beach, you're done with the beach. I hate when I return home to a perfectly clean hotel room or house and the floor is shortly covered with sand. Sand belongs outside! Otherwise sand is a pretty cool material.

2. Uggs - People really buy these monstrosities? In pairs? They ain't cheap! They're like fur coats for your feet.

3. When people refer to the sex of an animal as "he" when they really have no idea if the thing is a male or a female - Have you noticed how people do this? I have. And, the most annoying part is: I fucking do it.

"Oh, he's so cute!"
"I bet he's a handful. He looks like a handful, right?"
"He's eating that other fish. Every man for himself!"

4. Your vs. You're - How difficult is this, people? Contractions ain't rocket science. Here's an easy way to remember this brainbuster. Let's say you have the following sentences (see below) and you are perplexed about which homophone to use. Simply ask yourself: Self, does you are fit here or not? It works 100% of the time, and you'll appear like you have a 4th grade understanding of English.

_________ (Your, You're) fun to watch television with!
_________ (Your, You're) watchband smells like cauliflower.

5. When people say, "___________ (some shitty place on Earth) is the best place on Earth" when they have been nowhere else -
If you have spent your entire life inside a 30 mile radius the chance that the 30 mile area you have confined yourself to is superior to all others on Earth is dangerously low. Plus, you could probably use something to compare it all to. Maybe a day trip to the adjacent county would provide you with a little more information.